Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt
so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along
and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing is to stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter
or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men: The one who learns
by reading, the few that
learn by observation, the rest of them have to
pee on the electric fence
for themselves.
_______________
My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met 'em at the boat.
In the early days of the Indian Territory, there
were no such things as
birth certificates. You being there was certificate
enough.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple.
Know what you are
doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in
what you are doing.
If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought
to put on our tombstone,
'America died from a delusion that she has moral
leadership.'
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why
they're Democrats. If they
agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
The Democrats and the Republicans are equally
corrupt-it's only in the
amount where the Republicans excel.
Democrats never agree on anything, that's why
they're Democrats. If they
agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.
Say, did you read what this writer just dug up
in George Washington's diary?
I was so ashamed I sat up all night reading it.
Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.
In Europe public men do resign. But here it's a lost art. You have to impeach 'em.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money to even be defeated.
Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork,
but even now if nobody is
around we use our fingers.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain't saying anything.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The only real diplomacy ever performed by a diplomat
is in deceiving their
own people after their dumbness has got them
into a war.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
The way to judge a good comedy is by how long
it will last and have people
talk about it. Now Congress had turned out some
that have lived for years
and people are still laughing about them.
The only real diplomacy ever performed by a diplomat
is in deceiving their
own people after their dumbness has got them
into a war.
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always
the popular fellow, for
he is looking with the crowd. But the one that
can see years ahead, he has
a telescope but he can't make anybody believe
that he has it.
The best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian.
He can't ask his patients
what is the matter--he's got to just know.
The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter
what color you are you
require the same amount of nourishment.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There is only one thing that can kill the movies, and that is education.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but not quite.
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Everyone is ignorant only on different subjects.
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
You shake a slogan at an American and it's just like showing a hungry dog a bone.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this --
no nation is allowed to
enter a war till they have paid for the last
one.
Asking Europe to disarm is like asking a man in Chicago to give up his life insurance.
If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
An economist is a man that can tell you...what
can happen under any given
condition, and his guess is liable to be as good
as anybody else's too.
Politics is the best show in America. I love animals
and I love politicians
and I love to watch both of 'em play either back
home in their native state
or after they have been captured and sent to
the zoo or to Washington.
All Wrigley had was an idea. He was the first
man to discover that American
jaws must wag. So why not give them something
to wag against?
The only way to solve the traffic problems of
the country is to pass a law
that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the
highways. That would make
traffic so scarce we could use the boulevards
for children's playgrounds.
The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes
mythical bean into it,
and then tries to reach in and pull real beans
out."
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork,
but even now if nobody is
around we use our fingers.
Half our life is spent trying to find something
to do with the time we have
rushed through life trying to save.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some
good stock and hold it
till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go
up, don't buy it
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Live your life so that whenever you lose, you're
ahead.
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