New Discovery: Administratium

     Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the
 heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named
 administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
 number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons,
 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an
 atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force
 that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
 morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
 particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is
 inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
 reaction it comes in contact with.
        According to the discoverers, a
 minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four
 days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a
 second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
 years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
 reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice
 neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an
 administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with
 each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons,
 forming new isotopes.
        This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
 scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously
 formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
 hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass"

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